W. C. Fields on comedy

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Start off every day with a smile and get it over with.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake⁠—which I also keep handy.

Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.

Groucho Marx1890–1977

A guy could have one major limb lying on the ground a full ten feet from the rest of his body, and he’d claim it was ‘just a sprain’.

Dave Barryborn 1947

• Dave Barry