Ozzy Osbourne on comedy

I know what’s going to be on my tombstone, and there’s no getting around it: “Here lies Ozzy Osbourne, the ex–Black Sabbath singer who bit the head off a bat.”

Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.

Groucho Marx1890–1977

A guy could have one major limb lying on the ground a full ten feet from the rest of his body, and he’d claim it was ‘just a sprain’.

Dave Barryborn 1947

• Dave Barry