Ron White on comedy

I find a lot of comfort in having one sex partner. That is because she knows what I like and I know what she won’t do.

“Don’t drink and drive.” That’s what they say. They also say “Friends don’t let friends drive drunk.” Well, which one is it? Somebody’s gotta drive.

Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.

Groucho Marx1890–1977

A guy could have one major limb lying on the ground a full ten feet from the rest of his body, and he’d claim it was ‘just a sprain’.

Dave Barryborn 1947

• Dave Barry