Jack Handey

More from Jack Handey

• Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy’s arm behind his back. NOW who’s asking the questions?

  • Jack Handey

• If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it’s probably best to avoid eye contact.

  • Jack Handey
  • Time

• When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, ‘I like mayonnaise.’ She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.

  • Jack Handey

All 33 quotes from Jack Handey

Popular quotes

• No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent.

  John Donne1572–1631No Man Is an Island (1624), Devotions Upon Emergent Occasions (1624), Meditation 17In context

• I came, I saw, I conquered.

  Julius Caesar100–44 BCInscription on the triumphal wagon reported in The Twelve Caesars by Suetonius, as translated by Robert Graves (1957).

  • Success

• The unexamined life is not worth living.

  Socrates470–399 BCThe Apology of Socrates (399 BC)

  • Philosophy