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Quotes from Jack Handey

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Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy’s arm behind his back. NOW who’s asking the questions?
JHJack Handeyborn 1949
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he’s carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he’s carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you’re drunk.
JHJack Handeyborn 1949
If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it’s probably best to avoid eye contact.
JHJack Handeyborn 1949
- Time
When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, ‘I like mayonnaise.’ She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.
JHJack Handeyborn 1949
Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.
JHJack Handeyborn 1949
Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus’s-flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won’t bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.
JHJack Handeyborn 1949
A man doesn’t automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.
JHJack Handeyborn 1949
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
JHJack Handeyborn 1949
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone’s neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?!
JHJack Handeyborn 1949
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.
JHJack Handeyborn 1949Deep Thoughts: Inspiration for the Uninspired (1992), Berkley Books
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
JHJack Handeyborn 1949
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that’s another weakness.
JHJack Handeyborn 1949
It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was going to fight in another fight, away from the first fight.
JHJack Handeyborn 1949
To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kinda scary. I’ve wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.
JHJack Handeyborn 1949
Playing dead not only comes in handy when face to face with a bear, but also at important business meetings.
JHJack Handeyborn 1949