Dave Barry on journalism

A guy could have one major limb lying on the ground a full ten feet from the rest of his body, and he’d claim it was ‘just a sprain’.

I hate rap music, which to me sounds like a bunch of angry men shouting, possibly because the person who was supposed to provide them with a melody never showed up.

Admit it, sport-utility-vehicle owners! It’s shaped a little differently, but it’s a station wagon! And you do not drive it across rivers! You drive it across the Wal-Mart parking lot!

The man who reads nothing at all is better educated than the man who reads nothing but newspapers.

Thomas Jefferson1743–1826

• Reading

There are laws to protect the freedom of the press’s speech, but none that are worth anything to protect the people from the press.

Mark Twain1835–1910License of the Press (1873).

• Writing

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: ‘President Can’t Swim.’

Lyndon B. Johnson1908–1973Often credited to Margaret Thatcher

• Clever Jabs