Tallulah Bankhead on comedy

The only thing I regret about my past is the length of it. If I had to live my life again, I’d make the same mistakes, only sooner.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it.

My father warned me about men and booze, but he never mentioned a word about women and cocaine.

Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.

Groucho Marx1890–1977

A guy could have one major limb lying on the ground a full ten feet from the rest of his body, and he’d claim it was ‘just a sprain’.

Dave Barryborn 1947

• Dave Barry