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Quotes from Dave Barry

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Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers.
Dave Barryborn 1947
The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.
Dave Barryborn 1947Dave Barry Turns 40 (1990), p. 124
- Politics
Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.
Dave Barryborn 1947Cyberspace (1996)
- Technology
I have not felt remotely cool for a long time, thanks largely to the relentless efforts of my teenage son, whose goal in life is to make me feel 3,500 years old. We’ll be in the car, and he’ll say, ‘You wanna hear my new CD?’ And I, flattered that he thinks his old man might like the same music he does, will say ‘Sure!’ So he increases the sound-system volume setting from ‘4’ to ‘Meteor Impact,’ and he puts in a CD by a band with a name like ‘Pustule,’ and the next thing I know gigantic nuclear bass notes have blown out all the car windows and activated both the driver- and passenger-side air bags, and I’m writhing on the floor, screaming for mercy with jets of blood spurting three feet from my ears. My son then ejects the CD, smiling contentedly, knowing he as purchased a winner. On those extremely rare occasions when I like one of his CDs, I imagine he destroys it with a blowtorch.
Dave Barryborn 1947
I’m a middle age white guy, which means I’m constantly reminded that my particular group is responsible for the oppression of every known minority PLUS most wars PLUS government corruption PLUS pollution of the environment, not to mention that it was middle-age white guys who killed Bambi’s mom.
Dave Barryborn 1947
Because of the level of my chess game, I was able⁠—even against a weak opponent, such as my younger brothers or the dog⁠—to get myself checkmated in under three minutes. I challenge any computer to do it faster.
Dave Barryborn 1947
What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
Dave Barryborn 1947
Puns are little plays on words that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead.
Dave Barryborn 1947
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
Dave Barryborn 1947Dave Barry Turns 50 (1998), p. 182
Look closely at Central America, and try to imagine what would happen if this vital region were to fall into Communist hands. What would happen is a lot of Communists would be stung repeatedly by vicious tropical insects the size of mature hamsters.
Dave Barryborn 1947
In some versions of my original contest column I had proposed, in a lighthearted manner, that we reduce the deficit by ‘selling unnecessary states such as Oklahoma to the Japanese.’ This caused a number of Oklahomans to send in letters containing many correctly spelled words and making the central lighthearted point that I am a jerk. They also sent me official literature stating that Oklahoma has enormous quantities of culture in the form of ballet, Oral Roberts, etc., and that the Official State Reptile⁠—I am not making this up⁠—is something called the ‘Mountain Boomer.’ So I apologize to Oklahoma, and as a token of my sincerity I’m willing to sell my state, Florida, to the Japanese, assuming nobody objects to the fact that Japan would suddenly become the most heavily armed nation on Earth.
Dave Barryborn 1947
There are no seeing eye cats, of course, because the sole function of cats, in the Great Chain of Life, is to cause harm to human beings.
Dave Barryborn 1947
If God had wanted us to spend our time fretting about the problems of home ownership, He would never have invented beer.
Dave Barryborn 1947
What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad.
Dave Barryborn 1947
Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate.
Dave Barryborn 1947