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Quotes from Jack Handey

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Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the STILTS? It probably lasts longer, plus it moves around.
JHJack Handeyborn 1949
If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don’t let him just play it once or twice and then throw it away. Make him practice on it, every day, for about three hours a day. Later, he’ll thank you.
JHJack Handeyborn 1949
Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again.
JHJack Handeyborn 1949
How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn’t have that dangerous beak.
JHJack Handeyborn 1949
If I ever get real rich, I hope I’m not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
JHJack Handeyborn 1949
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don’t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, ‘What was THAT?!’
JHJack Handeyborn 1949
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you’re in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don’t know what to tell you.
JHJack Handeyborn 1949
If you’re in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy’s glove touch your lips, because you don’t know where that glove has been.
JHJack Handeyborn 1949
I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since he’s so busy, you’d probably have to run up to him and hand it to him.
JHJack Handeyborn 1949
Whenever you read a good book, it’s like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don’t like to read good books.
JHJack Handeyborn 1949
To me, it’s always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, ‘Hey, can you give me a hand?,’ you can say, ‘Sorry, got these sacks.’
JHJack Handeyborn 1949Deeper Thoughts: All New, All Crispy (1993), Hachette Books
I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
JHJack Handeyborn 1949
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that’s like a regular window.
JHJack Handeyborn 1949
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid-gold baby? Maybe we’ll never know.
JHJack Handeyborn 1949
I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away.
JHJack Handeyborn 1949