P. G. Wodehouse on comedy

I’d always thought her half-baked, but now I think they didn’t even put her in the oven.

To say that his conscience was clear would be inaccurate, for he did not have a conscience, but he had what was much better, an alibi…

It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.

Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.

Groucho Marx1890–1977

A guy could have one major limb lying on the ground a full ten feet from the rest of his body, and he’d claim it was ‘just a sprain’.

Dave Barryborn 1947

• Dave Barry