Lily Tomlin on comedy

We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

Why is it when we talk to God we’re said to be praying — but when God talks to us, we’re said to be schizophrenic?

Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.

Groucho Marx1890–1977

A guy could have one major limb lying on the ground a full ten feet from the rest of his body, and he’d claim it was ‘just a sprain’.

Dave Barryborn 1947

• Dave Barry