Steven Wright on comedy

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‘Did you sleep well?’ I said ‘No, I made a few mistakes.’

Last night I was playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I cried because I had no shoes, ‘till I met a man who had no feet. So I said, ‘You got any shoes you’re not using’?

Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.

Groucho Marx1890–1977

A guy could have one major limb lying on the ground a full ten feet from the rest of his body, and he’d claim it was ‘just a sprain’.

Dave Barryborn 1947

• Dave Barry