Johnny Carson on the presidency

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

I had a dream the other night. I dreamed that Jimmy Carter came to me and asked why I wanted his job. I told him I didn’t want his job. I want to be President.

Ronald Reagan1911–2004

• Clever Jabs

You may think the President is all-powerful, but he is not. He needs a lot of guidance from the Lord.

Barbara Bush1925–2018

• God

Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be president, but they don’t want them to become politicians in the process.

John F. Kennedy1917–1963

• Politics