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Clever jabs

277 quotes from 161 people

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If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.
Dan Quayleborn 1947
I had a dream the other night. I dreamed that Jimmy Carter came to me and asked why I wanted his job. I told him I didn’t want his job. I want to be President.
Ronald Reagan1911–2004
- Presidency
The other day, someone told me the difference between a democracy and a people’s democracy. It’s the same difference between a jacket and a straitjacket.
Ronald Reagan1911–2004Remarks at Human Rights Day event (10 December 1986)
- Democracy
I have only one thing to say to the tax increasers: Go ahead, make my day.
Ronald Reagan1911–2004Speech threatening to veto legislation raising taxes (13 March 1985)
- Politics
The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad. It might be worth it except they keep coming back.
Will Rogers1879–1935
We have long referred to him as “The Donald.” He is the only person in America to whom we have added an article before his name. It wasn’t because he had attributes we admired.
Mitt Romneyborn 1947Remarks on Donald Trump and the 2016 race
The Internet doesn’t just offer opportunities for misogynistic abuse, you know. Penis enlargers can also be bought discreetly.
J. K. Rowlingborn 1965Tweet (8 May 2015), as cited in “J.K. Rowling Burns Twitter Troll With ‘Penis Enlargers’ Joke”, The Hollywood Reporter (8 May 2015)
- Internet
It is obvious that “obscenity” is not a term capable of exact legal definition; in the practice of the Courts, it means “anything that shocks the magistrate.”
Bertrand Russell1872–1970Sceptical Essays (1928), Ch. 10: Recrudescence of Puritanism
- Laws
If I were granted omnipotence, and millions of years to experiment in, I should not think Man much to boast of as the final result of all my efforts.
Bertrand Russell1872–1970Religion and Science (1935)
- Anti-God
It is Ill-manners to silence a Fool, and Cruelty to let him go on.
George Savile, 1st Marquess of Halifax1633–1695Moral Thoughts and Reflections
- Talking
Intellect is invisible to the man who has none.
Arthur Schopenhauer1788–1860Essays
- Intelligence
I love Thanksgiving. It’s the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts.
Arnold Schwarzeneggerborn 1947
- Holidays
I dote on his very absence.
William Shakespeare1564–1616The Merchant of Venice, Portia, l. 99In context
A knave; a rascal; an eater of broken meats; a base, proud, shallow, beggarly, three-suited, hundred-pound, filthy, worsted-stocking knave
William Shakespeare1564–1616King Lear (c. 1606), Act II, Scene II, spoken by KentIn context
Gratiano speaks an infinite deal of nothing, more than any man in all Venice. His reasons are as two grains of wheat hid in two bushels of chaff: you shall seek all day ere you find them, and when you have them they are not worth the search.
William Shakespeare1564–1616The Merchant of Venice (c. 1597), Act I, Scene I, spoken by BassanioIn context
- Talking