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Quotes from Dave Barry

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Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
Dave Barryborn 1947
- Dancing
To defend Western Europe we have to let the Pentagon buy all these tanks and guns and things, and the Pentagon is unable to buy any object that that costs less than a condominium in Vail. If the Pentagon needs, say, fruit, it will argue that it must have fruit that can withstand the rigors of combat conditions, and it will wind up purchasing the FX-700 Seedless Tactical Grape, which will cost $160,000 per bunch, and will have an 83 percent failure rate.
Dave Barryborn 1947
Talking about golf is always boring. (Playing golf can be interesting, but not the part where you try to hit the little ball; only the part where you drive the cart.)
Dave Barryborn 1947
When you get right down to it, the Safety Lecture is a silly idea. I mean, if the passengers really thought the plane was going to crash, they wouldn’t get on it in the first place, let alone learn how to get an adequate oxygen supply on the way down.
Dave Barryborn 1947
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.
Dave Barryborn 1947“The Funny Side of ‘Beowulf’”, The Miami Herald, November 2, 1997.
The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.
Dave Barryborn 1947
The only flaw in the Hinckley trial is that it left a lot of people with the impression that psychiatrists are just a bunch of bearded voodoo doctors who espouse confusing and wildly contradictory theories that have nothing to do with common sense. This is totally unfair. Many psychiatrists are clean-shaven.
Dave Barryborn 1947
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
Dave Barryborn 1947
We humans do not need to leave Earth to get to a hostile, deadly, alien environment; we already have Miami.
Dave Barryborn 1947
It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.
Dave Barryborn 1947
Over the next hundred years or so football saw a great many major innovations and refinements that are too boring to even think about. Along the way professional football came into being so that the largest and most violent college players would have a way to earn money other than simply demanding it from innocent civilians.
Dave Barryborn 1947
Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.
Dave Barryborn 1947Quoted in Bobby Mercer, How Do You Light a Fart?: And 150 Other Essential Things Every Guy Should Know about Science (2009).
The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn’t have eyeballs or fins.
Dave Barryborn 1947
I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.
Dave Barryborn 1947
- Journalism
It is a good idea to “shop around” before you settle on a doctor. Ask about the condition of his Mercedes. Ask about the competence of his mechanic. Don’t be shy! After all, you’re paying for it.
Dave Barryborn 1947