Stephen Colbert on the presidency

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man a sub-prime fish loan and you’re in business, buddy.

We claim no respectability. There’s no status I would not surrender for a joke. So we don’t have to defend anything.

Who’s Britannica to tell me that the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say that it was built in 1941, that’s my right as an American.

I had a dream the other night. I dreamed that Jimmy Carter came to me and asked why I wanted his job. I told him I didn’t want his job. I want to be President.

Ronald Reagan1911–2004

• Clever Jabs

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn’t grow up can be vice president.

Johnny Carson1925–2005

• Democracy

You may think the President is all-powerful, but he is not. He needs a lot of guidance from the Lord.

Barbara Bush1925–2018

• God