Rita Rudner on comedy

Have children while your parents are still young enough to take care of them.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

I love being married, I do. It’s so great to find that one special person that you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.

Groucho Marx1890–1977

A guy could have one major limb lying on the ground a full ten feet from the rest of his body, and he’d claim it was ‘just a sprain’.

Dave Barryborn 1947

• Dave Barry