Rodney Dangerfield on comedy

I’m at an age where I think more about food than sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous⁠—everyone hasn’t met me yet.

I just finished my first book. Pretty soon, I’m gonna read another.

Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.

Groucho Marx1890–1977

A guy could have one major limb lying on the ground a full ten feet from the rest of his body, and he’d claim it was ‘just a sprain’.

Dave Barryborn 1947

• Dave Barry