Rodney Dangerfield on comedy

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they’re the last to know.

I’m at an age where I think more about food than sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous⁠—everyone hasn’t met me yet.

Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.

Groucho Marx1890–1977

A guy could have one major limb lying on the ground a full ten feet from the rest of his body, and he’d claim it was ‘just a sprain’.

Dave Barryborn 1947

• Dave Barry