Henny Youngman on comedy

My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up⁠—they have no holidays.

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won’t let me plug it in.

Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.

Groucho Marx1890–1977

A guy could have one major limb lying on the ground a full ten feet from the rest of his body, and he’d claim it was ‘just a sprain’.

Dave Barryborn 1947

• Dave Barry