Jon Stewart on the presidency

Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don’t eat pork. I’m sorry, what was that last one? Don’t eat pork? Is that the word of God, or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?

If comedy is tragedy plus time, I need more fucking time. But I would really settle for less fucking tragedy.

I have complete faith in the continued absurdity of whatever’s going on.

I had a dream the other night. I dreamed that Jimmy Carter came to me and asked why I wanted his job. I told him I didn’t want his job. I want to be President.

Ronald Reagan1911–2004

• Clever Jabs

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn’t grow up can be vice president.

Johnny Carson1925–2005

• Democracy

You may think the President is all-powerful, but he is not. He needs a lot of guidance from the Lord.

Barbara Bush1925–2018

• God