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I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away.
JHJack Handeyborn 1949
- Jack Handey
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children’s children, because I don’t think children should be having sex.
JHJack Handeyborn 1949
- Jack Handey
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you’re having a good idea but it’s just eggs hatching.
JHJack Handeyborn 1949
- Jack Handey
IF YOU ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let ‘em go, because man, they’re gone.
JHJack Handeyborn 1949Deeper Thoughts: All New, All Crispy (1993), Hachette Books
I may be only a “fish and chip shop lady”, but some of these economists need to get their heads out of the textbooks and get a job in the real world. I would not even let one of them handle my grocery shopping.
Pauline Hansonborn 1954Maiden Speech as the Member for Oxley (1996)
- Clever Jabs
- Economics
Like the British Constitution, she owes her success in practice to her inconsistencies in principle.
Thomas Hardy1840–1928The Hand of Ethelberta (1876), Ch. 9
- Clever Jabs
If you want to see your plays performed the way you wrote them, become President.
Václav Havel1936–2011Address to the Institute of Contemporary Arts, London quoted in The Independent, London (24 March 1990)
- Presidency
There used to be a time when this country’s president could have delivered the same New Year’s Address he had given a year before, and nobody would have noticed.
Fortunately, that time has passed.
Václav Havel1936–2011New Year’s Address to the Nation (1991)
- Clever Jabs
- Presidency
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.
MHMitch Hedberg1968–2005Strategic Grill Locations
I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down.
MHMitch Hedberg1968–2005Mitch All Together (2003)
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
MHMitch Hedberg1968–2005Strategic Grill Locations
Las Vegas is a three-ring circus with a hangover.
Robert A. Heinlein1907–1988Friday (1982), Chapter 25 (p. 260)
- Clever Jabs
I suspect that there are just two sorts of lawyers: those who spend their efforts making life easy for other people⁠—and parasites.
Robert A. Heinlein1907–1988Friday (1982), Chapter 24 (p. 257)
- Clever Jabs
- Laws
I scrolled on down to the obituaries. I usually read the obituaries first as there is always the happy chance that one of them will make my day.
Robert A. Heinlein1907–1988The Cat Who Walks Through Walls (1985), Chapter 3 (p. 27)
Personal columnists … are jackals and no jackal has been known to live on grass once he had learned about meat — no matter who killed the meat for him.
Ernest Hemingway1899–1961A Letter from Cuba (1934)
- Clever Jabs
- Journalism