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Quotes about comedy

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What is the difference between a taxidermist & a tax-collector? The taxidermist only takes your skin.
Mark Twain1835–1910Mark Twain’s Notebook (1935), p. 379
- Government
Herodotus says, “Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen at all. The conscientious historian will correct these defects.”
Mark Twain1835–1910A Horse’s Tale (1907), Acknowledgements
- History
He is a stranger to me, but he is a most remarkable man — and I am the other one. Between us, we cover all knowledge; he knows all that can be known, and I know the rest.
Mark Twain1835–1910Statement (1906) in Mark Twain in Eruption: Hitherto Unpublished Pages About Men and Events (1940) edited by Bernard DeVoto
- Knowledge
Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.
Mark Twain1835–1910Adventures of Huckleberry Finn (1884), NoticeIn context
- Writing
I don’t take no stock in dead people.
Mark Twain1835–1910Adventures of Huckleberry Finn (1884), Chapter IIn context
- Life & Death
If you are with the quality, or at a funeral, or trying to go to sleep when you ain’t sleepy⁠—if you are anywheres where it won’t do for you to scratch, why you will itch all over in upwards of a thousand places.
Mark Twain1835–1910Adventures of Huckleberry Finn (1884), Chapter IIIn context
I had been to school most all the time and could spell and read and write just a little, and could say the multiplication table up to six times seven is thirty-five, and I don’t reckon I could ever get any further than that if I was to live forever. I don’t take no stock in mathematics, anyway.
Mark Twain1835–1910Adventures of Huckleberry Finn (1884), Chapter IVIn context
- Education
Pilgrim’s Progress, about a man that left his family, it didn’t say why. I read considerable in it now and then. The statements was interesting, but tough.
Mark Twain1835–1910Adventures of Huckleberry Finn (1884), Chapter XVIIIn context
- Reading
There warn’t anybody at the church, except maybe a hog or two, for there warn’t any lock on the door, and hogs likes a puncheon floor in summer-time because it’s cool. If you notice, most folks don’t go to church only when they’ve got to; but a hog is different.
Mark Twain1835–1910Adventures of Huckleberry Finn (1884), Chapter XVIIIIn context
- Religion
All kings is mostly rapscallions, as fur as I can make out.
Mark Twain1835–1910Adventures of Huckleberry Finn (1884), Chapter XXIIIIn context
- Power
Huck was always willing to take a hand in any enterprise that offered entertainment and required no capital, for he had a troublesome superabundance of that sort of time which is not money.
Mark Twain1835–1910The Adventures of Tom Sawyer (1876), Chapter XXVIn context
- Money
- Time
I can sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating.
Mike Tysonborn 1966
I was never a child. I was always a menopausal woman within a child’s body.
Tracey Ullmanborn 1959Tracey Takes On… (1996–99)
- Age
You see, most people with multiple personalities get therapy. I get my own HBO comedy series!
Tracey Ullmanborn 1959Tracey Takes On… (1996–99)
- Television
Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
?UnattributedOften credited to Benjamin Franklin