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Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of the other.
Ambrose Bierce1842–1914The Devil’s Dictionary (1911)
- Politics
Heaven, n. A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own.
Ambrose Bierce1842–1914The Devil’s Dictionary (1911)
- Talking
Clarionet, n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a clarionet⁠—two clarionets.
Ambrose Bierce1842–1914The Devil’s Dictionary (1911)
- Music
Generous, adj. Originally this word meant noble by birth and was rightly applied to a great multitude of persons. It now means noble by nature and is taking a bit of a rest.
Ambrose Bierce1842–1914The Devil’s Dictionary (1911)
- Charity
Cynic, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic’s eyes to improve his vision.
Ambrose Bierce1842–1914The Devil’s Dictionary (1911)
A kiss is but a modified bite, and a fond mother, when she rapturously avers that her babe is ‘almost good enough to eat,’ merely shows that she is herself only a trifle too good to eat it.
Ambrose Bierce1842–1914The Cynic’s Word Book (1906), p. 43 (Cannibal)
Dawn, n. The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh.
Ambrose Bierce1842–1914The Devil’s Dictionary (1911)
- Sleep
Conservative, n. A statesman enamored of existing evils, as opposed to a Liberal, who wants to replace them with others.
Ambrose Bierce1842–1914The Devil’s Dictionary (1911)
- Clever Jabs
- Politics
Ocean, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man — who has no gills.
Ambrose Bierce1842–1914The Devil’s Dictionary (1911)
- Nature
Gallows, n. A stage for the performance of miracle plays, in which the leading actor is translated to heaven.
Ambrose Bierce1842–1914The Devil’s Dictionary (1911)
- Life & Death
Zeus, n. The chief of Grecian gods, adored by the Romans as Jupiter and by the modern Americans as God, Gold, Mob and Dog.
Ambrose Bierce1842–1914The Devil’s Dictionary (1911)
- America
- Religion
I don’t care how much a man talks, if he only says it in a few words.
Josh Billings1818–1885Affurisms. From Josh Billings: His Sayings (1865)
- Talking
Thus far, the reputed idiot Bush has graduated from Yale and Harvard, made a stack of cash in the oil industry, become the first consecutive-term governor of Texas, defeated a dual-term VP for the presidency, and led his party to [November 5th’s] extraordinary triumphs. Let his opponents keep calling him stupid; if they do, within five years Bush will be King of England, the Pope, and world Formula One motor racing champion.
Tim Blairborn 1965
- Clever Jabs
- Politics
The grass is always greener over the septic tank.
EBErma Bombeck1927–1996Title of book (1976)
The Falklands thing was a fight between two bald men over a comb.
Jorge Luis Borges1899–1986On the Falklands War, as quoted in Time magazine (14 February 1983)
- Clever Jabs
- War & Peace