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Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt.
Mark Twain1835–1910
- Clever Jabs
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
Dave Barryborn 1947Stay Fit and Healthy Until You’re Dead (1985)
- Dave Barry
Last night I was playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wrightborn 1955
- Steven Wright
I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode! I think it was called, ‘The Bus That Couldn’t Slow Down.’
HSHomer Simpson
- The Simpsons
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin1937–2008Carlin on Campus (1984)
- George Carlin
I cried because I had no shoes, ‘till I met a man who had no feet. So I said, ‘You got any shoes you’re not using’?
Steven Wrightborn 1955
- Steven Wright
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
Dave Barryborn 1947Turns 40 (1990)
- Dave Barry
I’m like that guy who single-handedly built the rocket & flew to the moon! What was his name? Apollo Creed?
HSHomer Simpson
- The Simpsons
If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, we have at least to consider the possibility that we have a small aquatic bird of the family anatidae on our hands.
Douglas Adams1952–2001Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency (1987)
Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals… except the weasel.
HSHomer Simpson
- The Simpsons
I went into a restaurant and the sign said “Breakfast anytime,” so I ordered french toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wrightborn 1955
- Steven Wright
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Groucho Marx1890–1977To S. J. Perelman about his book Dawn Ginsbergh’s Revenge (1929), as quoted in LIFE (9 February 1962)
- Clever Jabs
I’m not normally a religious man, but if you’re up there, save me, Superman!
HSHomer Simpson
- The Simpsons
Drug testing is very big in football. This is because football players are Role Models for young people. All you young people out there want to grow up and have enormous necks and get knee operations as often as haircuts. That’s why the people in charge of football don’t want you to associate it with drugs. They want you to associate it with alcohol.
Dave Barryborn 1947
- Dave Barry
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
Winston Churchill1874–1965
- Clever Jabs