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Quotes about comedy

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I broke a mirror the other day. I’m supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Steven Wrightborn 1955
- Steven Wright
It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off.
Woody Allenborn 1935Side Effects (1980), “The UFO Menace”.
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base.
Dave Barryborn 1947
- Dave Barry
- Women
It ain’t over till it’s over.
Yogi Berra1925–2015The Yogi book (1997).
- Yogi Berra
Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
HSHomer Simpson
- The Simpsons
Suppose you were an idiot…and suppose you were a member of Congress…but I repeat myself.
Mark Twain1835–1910Draft manuscript (c.1881), quoted by Albert Bigelow Paine in Mark Twain: A Biography (1912), p. 724
- Clever Jabs
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it is too dark to read.
?UnattributedOften credited to Groucho Marx
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Steven Wrightborn 1955
- Steven Wright
My son first wanted to go to Stanford, which I thought was O.K. The weather is pretty good, and it’s a fairly short drive to the beach. But it wouldn’t be as good as let’s say, Pepperdine, which is in Malibu. And he said, ‘Dad, what about the education?’ I said, ‘Clearly, I failed as a parent.’
Larry Ellisonborn 1944
The function of RAM is to give us guys a way of deciding whose computer has the biggest, studliest, most tumescent MEMORY. This is important, because with today’s complex software, the more memory a computer has, the faster it can produce error messages. So the bottom line is, if you’re a guy, you cannot have enough RAM.
Dave Barryborn 1947
- Dave Barry
- Technology
Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.
Dave Barryborn 1947In: Your Guide to Self-Directed, Daniel Cordoba, CEA, 19 September 2008, p. 197.
- Dave Barry
- Politics
I’m not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose… it’ll be much harder to detect.
George Carlin1937–2008
- George Carlin
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
Woody Allenborn 1935The Illustrated Woody Allen Reader (1993)
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-five now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneresborn 1958
I’m at an age where I think more about food than sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.
Rodney Dangerfield1921–2004
- Food