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Quotes about comedy

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I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they’re the last to know.
Rodney Dangerfield1921–2004
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
George Carlin1937–2008
- George Carlin
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in the oposite direction.
George Carlin1937–2008
- George Carlin
To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I’ve done it a thousand times.
Mark Twain1835–1910
Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in my bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.
Woody Allenborn 1935Standup Comic (1999)
- Marriage
I assume you are on the Internet. If you are not, then pardon my French, but vous êtes un big loser. Today EVERYBODY is on the Internet, including the primitive Mud People of the Amazon rain forest. In the old days, when the Mud People needed food, they had to manually throw spears at wild boars; whereas today they simply get on the Internet, go to www.spear-a-boar.com and click their mouse a few times (the Mud People use actual mice). Within three business days, a large box is delivered to them by a UPS driver, whom they eat.
Dave Barryborn 1947
- Dave Barry
- Internet
Cocaine is God’s way of telling someone that they’re too rich.
Robin Williams1951–2014
- Clever Jabs
- Money
The problem is not that we have too many fools, it’s that the lightning isn’t distributed right.
Mark Twain1835–1910
Christmas is the one time of year when people of all religions come together to worship Santa Claus.
BSBart Simpson
- The Simpsons
Cooking was invented in prehistoric times, when a primitive tribe had a lucky accident. The tribe had killed an animal and was going to eat it raw, when a tribe member named Woog tripped and dropped it into the fire. At first the other tribe members were angry at Woog, but then, as the aroma of burning meat filled the air, they had an idea. So they ate Woog raw.
Dave Barryborn 1947
- Dave Barry
Haven’t you learned anything from that guy that gives those sermons in church? Captain What’s-his-name. We live in a society of laws, why do you think I took you to see all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn’t hear anybody laughing! Did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Vroom! Beep! Honk! Honk! Ha-ha. Where was I? Oh yeah, stay out of my booze!
HSHomer Simpson
- The Simpsons
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
George Carlin1937–2008
- George Carlin
I probably should never have been there anyway, and it served me right when the two alert police officers fired up their siren, pulled me over, and pointed out that my car’s registration had expired. I had not realized this, and as you can imagine I felt like quite the renegade outlaw as one of the officers painstakingly wrote out my ticket, standing well to the side of the road so as to avoid getting hit by the steady stream of passing unlicensed and uninsured motorists driving their stolen cars with their left hands so that their right hands would be free to keep their pit bulls from spilling their cocaine all over their machine guns. Not that I am bitter.
Dave Barryborn 1947
- Dave Barry
In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it ‘Christmas’ and went to church; the Jews called it ‘Hanukkah’ and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say ‘Merry Christmas!’ or ‘Happy Hanukkah!’ or (to the atheists) ‘Look out for the wall!’
Dave Barryborn 1947“Christmas Shopping: A Survivor’s Guide”
- Christmas
- Dave Barry
No, no, no, Lisa. If adults don’t like their jobs, they don’t go on strike. They just go in every day and do it really half-assed.
HSHomer SimpsonThe Simpsons
- The Simpsons