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Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
George Carlin1937–2008When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? (2004)
- Men
- Women
But if he does really think that there is no distinction between virtue and vice, why, Sir, when he leaves our houses let us count our spoons.
Samuel Johnson1709–1784Life of Samuel Johnson (1791), Vol I (14 July 1763) p. 123
- Clever Jabs
- Virtue
Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a blockhead.
Ambrose Bierce1842–1914The Devil’s Dictionary (1911)
- Clever Jabs
I scrolled on down to the obituaries. I usually read the obituaries first as there is always the happy chance that one of them will make my day.
Robert A. Heinlein1907–1988The Cat Who Walks Through Walls (1985), Chapter 3 (p. 27)
Who’s Britannica to tell me that the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say that it was built in 1941, that’s my right as an American.
Stephen Colbertborn 1964White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner (April 2006)
- Facts
The only really good vegetable is Tabasco sauce. Put Tabasco sauce in everything. Tabasco sauce is to bachelor cooking what forgiveness is to sin.
POP. J. O'Rourke1947–2022The Bachelor Home Companion (1986)
- Food
East is East, and West is San Francisco, according to Californians. Californians are a race of people; they are not merely inhabitants of a State.
O. Henry1862–1910Strictly Business (1910), “A Municipal Report”
The modern clergyman has acquired in his study of the science which I believe is called exegesis an astonishing facility for explaining things away.
W. Somerset Maugham1874–1965The Moon and Sixpence (1919), Ch. 1, p. 8
- Clever Jabs
- Religion
A drug is not bad. A drug is a chemical compound. The problem comes in when people who take drugs treat them like a license to behave like an asshole.
Frank Zappa1940–1993The Real Frank Zappa Book (1989)
- Morality
Let the credulous and the vulgar continue to believe that all mental woes can be cured by a daily application of old Greek myths to their private parts.
Vladimir Nabokov1899–1977Strong Opinions (1973), p. 66 (On the ideas of Sigmund Freud)
- Clever Jabs
The other day, someone told me the difference between a democracy and a people’s democracy. It’s the same difference between a jacket and a straitjacket.
Ronald Reagan1911–2004Remarks at Human Rights Day event (10 December 1986)
- Clever Jabs
- Democracy
Personal columnists … are jackals and no jackal has been known to live on grass once he had learned about meat — no matter who killed the meat for him.
Ernest Hemingway1899–1961A Letter from Cuba (1934)
- Clever Jabs
- Journalism
Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of the other.
Ambrose Bierce1842–1914The Devil’s Dictionary (1911)
- Politics
There is now less flogging in our great schools than formerly, but then less is learned there; so that what the boys get at one end they lose at the other.
Samuel Johnson1709–1784Life of Samuel Johnson (1791), Vol II (1775) p. 273
- Education
For my part, I consider that it will be found much better by all Parties to leave the past to history, especially as I propose to write that history myself.
Winston Churchill1874–1965Speech in the House of Commons (January 23, 1948), cited in The Yale Book of Quotations (2006), Fred R. Shapiro, Yale University Press, p. 154
- History