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Quotes about comedy

1,001 quotes from 337 people

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Of course the meek will inherit the earth, what, did you think they’d take it by force?
?Unattributed
English? Who needs that? I’m never going to England.
HSHomer Simpson
- The Simpsons
The ACLU is always yakking about the Constitution, and most of us are getting mighty tired of it. I mean, if the Constitution is so great, how come it was amended so many times? Huh?
Dave Barryborn 1947
- Dave Barry
You should never pick up a newspaper when you’re feeling good, because every newspaper has a special department, called the Bummer Desk, which is responsible for digging up depressing front-page stories with headlines like DOORBELL USE LINKED TO LEUKEMIA and OZONE LAYER COMPLETELY GONE DIRECTLY OVER YOUR HOUSE.
Dave Barryborn 1947
- Dave Barry
- Journalism
If he’s so smart, how come he’s dead?
HSHomer Simpson
- The Simpsons
Camping is nature’s way of promoting the motel business.
Dave Barryborn 1947
- Dave Barry
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
Orson Welles1915–1985
A man doesn’t automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.
JHJack Handeyborn 1949
- Jack Handey
A Canadian is someone who knows how to make love in a canoe.
PBPierre Berton1920–2004
I’ve had a wonderful time, but this wasn’t it.
Groucho Marx1890–1977
- Clever Jabs
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”
Dave Barryborn 1947
- Dave Barry
Never interrupt me when I’m trying to interrupt you.
Winston Churchill1874–1965
- Clever Jabs
- Talking
On the Japanese news, if the announcers had happy faces and perky voices, I knew that meant good news, such as that Japanese scientists had discovered a way to make VCR’s even more difficult for Americans to program; whereas if the announcers had serious voices and frowny faces, it meant bad news, such as the worsening eel shortage.
Dave Barryborn 1947
- Dave Barry
- Journalism
Experts tell us that if the Millennium Bug is not fixed, when the year 2000 arrives, our financial records will be inaccurate, our telephone system will be unreliable, our government will be paralyzed and airline flights will be canceled without warning. In other words, things will be pretty much the same as they are now.
Dave Barryborn 1947
- Dave Barry
- Technology
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
JHJack Handeyborn 1949
- Jack Handey