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Without computers, the government would be unable to function at the
level of effectiveness and efficiency that we have come to expect.
This is because the primary function of the government is⁠—and here I
am quoting directly from the U.S. Constitution⁠—‘to spew out paper.’
Dave Barryborn 1947Dave Barry in Cyberspace
- Dave Barry
- Technology
I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth’s gravitational pull has become since 1990.
Dave Barryborn 1947
- Dave Barry
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he’s carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he’s carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you’re drunk.
JHJack Handeyborn 1949
- Jack Handey
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
Dave Barryborn 1947
- Dave Barry
- Guns
Tokyo is huge. Something like 15 million people live there, and my estimate is that at any given moment, 14.7 million of them are lost. This is because the Tokyo street system holds the world outdoor record for randomness. A map of Tokyo looks like a tub of hyperactive bait. There is virtually no street that goes directly from anywhere to anywhere.
Dave Barryborn 1947
- Dave Barry
We’ll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
Dave Barryborn 1947“Believe me, you’ll pay for this” Tampa Bay Times (Oct. 16, 2005)
- Dave Barry
I realise that I’m making gender-based generalizations here, but my feeling is that if God did not want us to make gender-based generalizations, She would not have given us genders.
Dave Barryborn 1947
- Dave Barry
The books all say that barracuda rarely eat people, but very few barracuda can read, and they have far more teeth than would be necessary for a strictly seafood diet. Their mouths look like the entire $39.95 set of Ginsu knives, including the handy Arm Slicer.
Dave Barryborn 1947
- Dave Barry
If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it’s probably best to avoid eye contact.
JHJack Handeyborn 1949
- Jack Handey
- Time
When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, ‘I like mayonnaise.’ She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.
JHJack Handeyborn 1949
- Jack Handey
The Internet: Transforming Society and Shaping the Future Through Chat.
Dave Barryborn 1947
- Dave Barry
- Internet
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Steven Wrightborn 1955
- Steven Wright
We should enact an ‘e’ tax. Government agents would roam the country looking for stores whose names contained any word that ended in an unnecessary ‘e,’ such as ‘shoppe’ or ‘olde,’ and the owners of these stores would be taxed at a flat rate of $50,000 per year per ‘e.’ We should also consider an additional $50,000 ‘ye’ tax, so that the owner of a store called ‘Ye Olde Shoppe’ would have to fork over $150,000 a year. In extreme cases, such as ‘Ye Olde Barne Shoppe,’ the owner would simply be taken outside and shot.
Dave Barryborn 1947
- Dave Barry
If you are resolutely determined to make a lawyer of yourself, the thing is more than half done already.
Abraham Lincoln1809–1865Letter to Isham Reavis (5 November 1855)
- Clever Jabs
If you were to open up a baby’s head⁠—and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should⁠—you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.
Dave Barryborn 1947
- Dave Barry