Famously Said Random quote

Quotes about comedy

1,001 quotes from 337 people

Most readBy personPage 15 of 67

In the past decade or so, the women’s magazines have taken to running home-handyperson articles suggesting that women can learn to fix things just as well as men. These articles are apparently based on the ludicrous assumption that men know how to fix things, when in fact all they know how to do is look at things in a certain squinty-eyed manner, which they learned in Wood Shop; eventually, when enough things in the home are broken, they take a job requiring them to transfer to another home.
Dave Barryborn 1947
- Dave Barry
Nobody goes there anymore; it’s too crowded.
Yogi Berra1925–2015
- Yogi Berra
Corrupt politicians make the other ten percent look bad.
Henry Kissinger1923–2023
- Clever Jabs
- Politics
Don’t let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance.
?Unattributed
The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.
Dave Barryborn 1947
- Dave Barry
- Politics
You should do your own car repairs. It’s an easy way to save money and possibly maim yourself for life.
Dave Barryborn 1947
- Dave Barry
Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
Dave Barryborn 1947
- Dancing
- Dave Barry
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that’s another weakness.
JHJack Handeyborn 1949
- Jack Handey
To defend Western Europe we have to let the Pentagon buy all these tanks and guns and things, and the Pentagon is unable to buy any object that that costs less than a condominium in Vail. If the Pentagon needs, say, fruit, it will argue that it must have fruit that can withstand the rigors of combat conditions, and it will wind up purchasing the FX-700 Seedless Tactical Grape, which will cost $160,000 per bunch, and will have an 83 percent failure rate.
Dave Barryborn 1947
- Dave Barry
Talking about golf is always boring. (Playing golf can be interesting, but not the part where you try to hit the little ball; only the part where you drive the cart.)
Dave Barryborn 1947
- Dave Barry
Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
Steven Wrightborn 1955Special (1985)
- Steven Wright
That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can’t say No in any of them.
Dorothy Parker1893–1967A similar line was later used by Ira Gershwin in “The Saga of Jenny” in Lady in the Dark (1942): “In 27 languages she couldn’t say no.”
- Clever Jabs
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you.
Rita Mae Brownborn 1944
- Clever Jabs
When you get right down to it, the Safety Lecture is a silly idea. I mean, if the passengers really thought the plane was going to crash, they wouldn’t get on it in the first place, let alone learn how to get an adequate oxygen supply on the way down.
Dave Barryborn 1947
- Dave Barry
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.
Dave Barryborn 1947“The Funny Side of ‘Beowulf’”, The Miami Herald, November 2, 1997.
- Dave Barry