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Quotes about comedy

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‘You scratch my back, and I’ll suck blood out of yours’⁠—that is the insect motto.
Dave Barryborn 1947
- Dave Barry
I hate it when my leg falls sleep in the middle of the day, because that means it’ll be up all night.
Steven Wrightborn 1955
- Steven Wright
Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers.
Dave Barryborn 1947
- Dave Barry
How can you be expected to govern a country that has 246 kinds of cheese?
Charles de Gaulle1890–1970
- Government
What’s another word for thesaurus?
Steven Wrightborn 1955
- Steven Wright
Stand-up comedy is transient. History shows that you can stand up for so long; after that, you’re asked to sit down.
Steve Martinborn 1945
What is a wedding? Webster’s dictionary defines a wedding as ‘the process of removing weeds from one’s garden.’
HSHomer Simpson
- The Simpsons
When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie⁠—Police Academy.
HSHomer Simpson
- The Simpsons
Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a… car of some sort, heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.
CWChief Wiggum
- The Simpsons
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
Steve Martinborn 1945
The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.
Dave Barryborn 1947Dave Barry Turns 40 (1990), p. 124
- Dave Barry
- Politics
Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.
Dave Barryborn 1947Cyberspace (1996)
- Dave Barry
- Technology
An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows.
Dwight D. Eisenhower1890–1969
- Clever Jabs
- Intelligence
If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised.
Dorothy Parker1893–1967
- Clever Jabs
I have not felt remotely cool for a long time, thanks largely to the relentless efforts of my teenage son, whose goal in life is to make me feel 3,500 years old. We’ll be in the car, and he’ll say, ‘You wanna hear my new CD?’ And I, flattered that he thinks his old man might like the same music he does, will say ‘Sure!’ So he increases the sound-system volume setting from ‘4’ to ‘Meteor Impact,’ and he puts in a CD by a band with a name like ‘Pustule,’ and the next thing I know gigantic nuclear bass notes have blown out all the car windows and activated both the driver- and passenger-side air bags, and I’m writhing on the floor, screaming for mercy with jets of blood spurting three feet from my ears. My son then ejects the CD, smiling contentedly, knowing he as purchased a winner. On those extremely rare occasions when I like one of his CDs, I imagine he destroys it with a blowtorch.
Dave Barryborn 1947
- Dave Barry