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Quotes about comedy

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I couldn’t tell if the streaker was a man or a woman because it had a bag on it’s head.
Yogi Berra1925–2015
- Yogi Berra
I’ve occasionally heard that I was kicked out of Harvard for being a Communist, for dealing drugs, for corrupting minors, or for diverse other infractions of local decorum. Unfortunately, none of these rumors are true. The one I’ve heard more often is that I am dead. That one I encouraged, hoping it would cut down on the junk mail. It didn’t.
Tom Lehrer1928–2025
I’m a middle age white guy, which means I’m constantly reminded that my particular group is responsible for the oppression of every known minority PLUS most wars PLUS government corruption PLUS pollution of the environment, not to mention that it was middle-age white guys who killed Bambi’s mom.
Dave Barryborn 1947
- Dave Barry
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
Steven Wrightborn 1955
- Steven Wright
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin1937–2008
- George Carlin
When we played softball, I’d steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
Woody Allenborn 1935
- Morality
I can sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating.
Mike Tysonborn 1966
I installed a skylight in my apartment yesterday. The people who live above me are furious.
Steven Wrightborn 1955
- Steven Wright
Because of the level of my chess game, I was able⁠—even against a weak opponent, such as my younger brothers or the dog⁠—to get myself checkmated in under three minutes. I challenge any computer to do it faster.
Dave Barryborn 1947
- Dave Barry
I also bought some batteries, but they weren’t included, so I had to buy them again.
Steven Wrightborn 1955I Have A Pony (1985)
- Steven Wright
You got to be very careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because you might not get there.
Yogi Berra1925–2015When You Come to a Fork in the Road, Take It!: Inspiration and Wisdom from One of Baseball’s Greatest Heroes, Hyperion, 2002, , p. 53
- Yogi Berra
I have a microwave fireplace. I can lay down in front of the fire for the evening in eight minutes.
Steven Wrightborn 1955
- Steven Wright
What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
Dave Barryborn 1947
- Dave Barry
Puns are little plays on words that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead.
Dave Barryborn 1947
- Dave Barry
The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it’s time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!
HSHomer Simpson
- The Simpsons