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Congress, after years of stalling, finally got around to clearing the way for informal discussions that might lead to possible formal talks that could potentially produce some kind of tentative agreements…
Dave Barryborn 1947
- Dave Barry
- Government
I have a hobby…I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it…
Steven Wrightborn 1955
- Steven Wright
As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.
Dave Barryborn 1947Column, The Miami Herald, 21 January 1996
- Dave Barry
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy.
Woody Allenborn 1935Standup Comic (1999)
Males have a lot of trouble not looking at breasts. What is worse, males cannot look at breasts and think at the same time. In fact, scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid. This was proved in a famous 1978 laboratory experiment wherein a team of leading male psychological researchers at Yale deliberately looked at photographs of breasts every day for two years, at the end of which they concluded that they had failed to take any notes. “We forgot,” they said. “We’ll have to do it over.”
Dave Barryborn 1947
- Dave Barry
It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million guy sperm cells, each one wriggling in its own direction, totally confident it knows where it is going, to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
Dave Barryborn 1947
- Dave Barry
Washington is a Hollywood for ugly people. Hollywood is a Washington for the simpleminded.
John McCain1936–2018
- Clever Jabs
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.
Oscar Wilde1854–1900“The Philosophy of Dress”, The New-York Tribune, 1885. For an analysis see Fashion a Form of Ugliness, oscarwildeinamerica.org (retrieved 9 May 2026)
- Clever Jabs
My mother used to say to me: “Son, it’s better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.” I think that still makes a heck of a lot of sense, even in these troubles times.
Dave Barryborn 1947
- Dave Barry
I don’t know what the new Ford will be called. Probably something like the ‘Ford Untamed Wilderness Adventure.’ In the TV commercials, it will be shown splashing through rivers, charging up rocky mountainsides, swinging on vines, diving off cliffs, racing through the surf, and fighting giant sharks hundreds of feet beneath the ocean surface⁠—all the daredevil things that cars do in Sport Utility Vehicle Commercial World, where nobody ever drives on an actual world. In fact, the interstate highways in Sport Utility Vehicle Commercial World, having been abandoned by humans, are teeming with deer, squirrels, birds, and other wildlife species that have fled from the forests to avoid being run over by nature-seekers in multi-ton vehicles barreling through the underbrush at 50 miles per hour.
Dave Barryborn 1947
- Dave Barry
Don’t you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don’t even have to be true!
Dave Barryborn 1947
- Dave Barry
- Writing
American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men’s room and the women’s room without having little pictures on the doors.
Dave Barryborn 1947
- Dave Barry
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
George Carlin1937–2008
- George Carlin
All I’ve ever wanted was an honest week’s pay for an honest day’s work.
Steve Martinborn 1945
There are many silly superstitions about lightning, and as a result many people⁠—maybe even you⁠—are terrified of it. You shouldn’t worry. Thanks to modern science we now know that lightning is nothing more than huge chunks of electricity that can come out of the sky, anytime, anywhere, and kill you.
Dave Barryborn 1947
- Dave Barry