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I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don’t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, ‘What was THAT?!’
JHJack Handeyborn 1949
- Jack Handey
I don’t care what is written about me, so long as it isn’t true.
Dorothy Parker1893–1967
- Writing
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
Henny Youngman1906–1998
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you’re in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don’t know what to tell you.
JHJack Handeyborn 1949
- Jack Handey
If you’re in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy’s glove touch your lips, because you don’t know where that glove has been.
JHJack Handeyborn 1949
- Jack Handey
I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since he’s so busy, you’d probably have to run up to him and hand it to him.
JHJack Handeyborn 1949
- Jack Handey
It’s easy to identify people who can’t count to ten. They’re in front of you in the supermarket express lane.
MGM. Grundler
- Clever Jabs
I didn’t really say everything I said.
Yogi Berra1925–2015
- Yogi Berra
In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.
Fran Lebowitzborn 1950Social Studies (1981), “Tips for Teens”.
Whenever you read a good book, it’s like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don’t like to read good books.
JHJack Handeyborn 1949
- Jack Handey
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Fred Allen1894–1956
- Clever Jabs
An editor is someone who separates the wheat from the chaff and then prints the chaff.
Adlai Stevenson II1900–1965
I had a dream the other night. I dreamed that Jimmy Carter came to me and asked why I wanted his job. I told him I didn’t want his job. I want to be President.
Ronald Reagan1911–2004
- Clever Jabs
- Presidency
To me, it’s always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, ‘Hey, can you give me a hand?,’ you can say, ‘Sorry, got these sacks.’
JHJack Handeyborn 1949Deeper Thoughts: All New, All Crispy (1993), Hachette Books
- Jack Handey
I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
JHJack Handeyborn 1949
- Jack Handey