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Comedians

Funny quotes from various comedians, both past and present. 25 people, 338 quotes.

Popular quotes

Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.
Groucho Marx1890–1977
- Comedy
A guy could have one major limb lying on the ground a full ten feet from the rest of his body, and he’d claim it was ‘just a sprain’.
Dave Barryborn 1947
- Dave Barry
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‘Did you sleep well?’ I said ‘No, I made a few mistakes.’
Steven Wrightborn 1955
- Sleep
- Steven Wright
Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful⁠—provided you get between the right man and the right woman.
Woody Allenborn 1935
- Sex
I feel sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic.
Woody Allenborn 1935Standup Comic (1999)
- Sex
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go, it’s pretty damn good.
Woody Allenborn 1935
- Sex
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
Steve Martinborn 1945
- Comedy
- Sex
Don’t have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.
Steve Martinborn 1945
- Sex
The cable TV sex channels don’t expand our horizons, don’t make us better people and don’t come in clearly enough.
Bill Maherborn 1956
- Sex
I hate rap music, which to me sounds like a bunch of angry men shouting, possibly because the person who was supposed to provide them with a melody never showed up.
Dave Barryborn 1947
- Dave Barry
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
George Carlin1937–2008
- George Carlin
Admit it, sport-utility-vehicle owners! It’s shaped a little differently, but it’s a station wagon! And you do not drive it across rivers! You drive it across the Wal-Mart parking lot!
Dave Barryborn 1947
- Dave Barry
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
Mel Brooksborn 1926The 2,000 Year Old Man (1961)
- Comedy
There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won’t stand for that.
Steve Martinborn 1945
- Sex
Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.
Dave Barryborn 1947
- Dave Barry

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